A gay male couple shares their story of adopting two boys.

What brought you to adoption, and can you remember when you decided to adopt?

My husband and I had talked on and off about adoption for years, but the time was never ‘right.’ A few months after we were married, in late 2019, we had a conversation and decided that we were ready; we had bought a house, and life felt quite stable; we were ready to think about it more seriously.

Why did you choose CCS Adoption?

We came to choose CCS Adoption by doing what I think lots of people do: Googling! We suddenly found that the world of adoption wasn’t as simple as we expected. There were Local Authorities, Regional Adoption Agencies, Voluntary Adoption Agencies and a whole host of other groups, based in different parts of the country. It was a bit of a patchwork quilt, and we weren’t really sure what to do. My husband decided to sign us up for some virtual and in-person information events where we found out all about the process, the current state of adoption, news related to adoption and some more information about the adoption agencies themselves. If I’m brutally honest, some were just really boring – like those school lessons where the teacher just read from the board!

When we attended CCS’s session, we both left feeling a bit different. You could tell that these people knew each other, really cared about the job they were doing, and brought with them a huge wealth of knowledge, experience and love. I remember how genuine they were and how their own experiences and stories were interspersed with the presentation to make it more relatable. They weren’t too formal and seemed genuinely interested in us and our motivations. There was no sugar-coating either; they were very honest about the process and about what living with adopted children is like, day-to-day. Not that it’s a terrible thing, you understand, but we were definitely told on more than one occasion that life would not be some sort of waking heavenly dream! Being a same-sex couple, we also made a conscious decision to ask about their experience in placing children with people like us. CCS said all the right things and explained that that doesn’t change anything in terms of adoption; it turned out they have specific support, pre- and post-adoption, for members of our community. We felt like CCS wanted to celebrate us for who we were.

How did you find the assessment process and training?

After a few months of back-and-forth, making sure we were ready to start the adoption process, we finally started in late 2022. It was quite intense at times; our social worker needed to build up a clear picture of each of us – the good, the bad, and the ugly! It can make you feel quite vulnerable, but the outcome of this is to make sure they find a child (or children) that is as perfect a match for us as we would be for them. How can they do that without knowing you inside and out?! My advice would be to throw yourself in and embrace it, it was quite a freeing & cathartic experience in the end. There’s also paperwork involved, but we never felt overwhelmed by it, and Dani (our outstanding social worker!) was on hand to help us as much or as little as we needed. Nothing was too much trouble.

As we progressed through the two stages, we met some lovely people whom we still keep in touch with now that we are all parents. It’s lovely to bump into them from time to time at the post-adoption support events that CCS provide; we’re busy most weekends!

The training we received from CCS was so well thought-out. It showed us the kinds of background children might have, warts and all, but also the huge amount of love, fun, cuddles and kisses involved with being parents. We had a trainer who was an adoptive parent to give us real-life experiences and loads of strategies and ideas for helping a child to work through the trauma of their early lives. It gave us a clear idea of what daily life would look like… it was spot on too!

Can you remember hearing about and then meeting your children for the first time?

We saw online that there was an event called an ‘Activity Day’ near us, and our social worker managed to get us a place. It’s like a play session, but all the children there are looking for their forever homes; a very odd and unnatural situation for us, especially as each child’s social worker, foster carer and family finder were there too (but the children didn’t seem to notice). As we went in, we were given a stapled booklet with a page about each child (or sibling group). I remember flipping through the pages and seeing my boys, and that was that. I was smitten. One had the most beautiful blue eyes I’ve ever seen, and the other was smiling from ear to ear. I knew they were the ones. My husband was already looking at me, and we shared a knowing look. When we went into the busy room, I immediately saw them; one was speeding round on a tricycle, the other was at the Play-Doh table – pastimes they still enjoy today! We spent time with them, chatted to their social worker and foster carer; we just had a nice afternoon.

Afterwards, we told Dani about them, showed her their information, and there began the months of waiting! Dani had several meetings and chats with their social worker about whether they would be a good match for the boys. After a month or so, word came back that everything was looking good. We had a lot of information about the boys, and we got to meet their doctor, teachers, social workers, foster carers – everyone who knew them. There was a chance to also meet their birth parents to find out some more about them, but they just weren’t able, and we respected that; the strain must’ve been unbearable.

More time passed, and we had to go before a panel of experts for final approval to be their dads. We were approved, and so began the rest of our lives! (I’m getting pretty emotional at the memory of this; one of the best days of my life.)

We were to start transitions, a process where the children gradually came to us, their forever home. It has to be handled carefully. Unfortunately, there were some issues, resulting in one of my boys arriving after only 2 days of transitions. The other arrived 3 days later. An immense, emotional curve ball!

What were the early days like?

The early days were difficult for us; we were brand new parents to two boys we had only met a few days previously. Looking back, we were all a little terrified. I want to add at this point that our experience was the exception; most adoptions are far smoother! We had a steep learning curve. Every night, after they had gone to bed, we would sit and chat for hours about the day; what we saw and heard, and why things might have happened. Dani was like a saviour during all of this. We spoke every night and discussed what was probably going through the boys’ heads (and ours) and how best to move forward. We got through those early weeks and months; it was difficult at times, but we came out the other side relatively unscathed!

Can you tell us a bit about your children?

My darling boys. What can I say about them?! They genuinely are the light of my life. Our youngest is five, with the most curious brain I have ever seen (and I’m a teacher!); if you ever need to know anything about the solar system, the earth, or dinosaurs, you know who to ask. He’s so ticklish and so giggly, it melts your heart – and he knows how to use that to great effect! He has the most intense brown eyes and some of the wildest hair you’ve ever seen, even AFTER it’s been brushed. He has his down days too, the result of being passed from pillar to post and forgotten about. We’re working on making him realise how valuable he is to all of us.

Our eldest has the best sense of humour; he loves to laugh and joke with us about everything and anything. Even though he finds school hard, he loves it and always gives 100%. He’s starting to get very tall, and with those blue eyes, he’s an absolute charmer! He loves to be outside, riding his bike, playing in the park, just being outside and free is his thing. He especially enjoys being outside if there’s an ice cream to be had! He has more memories of his earlier life than his younger brother, and they trouble him greatly; they are sometimes hard to contain, but he has made progress in leaps and bounds at talking everything through and letting it all out in constructive ways.

Has there been anything that surprised you?

One thing that surprised me is just how friendly and welcoming the adoption community is. It’s like you yourself become adopted into a new, massive family. We have had strangers approach us, telling us that we’re doing great and to keep going – it turns out they were adoptive parents too and recognised that we were ‘newbies!’.

Do your children have contact with their birth family, and what impact does it have on them?

No. It was initially decided that most contact wasn’t appropriate in order to keep them safe. Our eldest doesn’t quite understand or accept that yet, but as he realises the differences in his life experiences, he is beginning to accept the situation. We are just in the process of beginning a bi-annual letter scheme, where we and birth parents can share things that have been happening in their lives, but face-to-face contact isn’t in their best interests for now.

What is family life like now?

Family life is kind of… mundane now. Just how it should be. My boys require a slightly different style of parenting to take into account their previous life experiences, and to help move them forward as people, but yeah – ‘normal’ (whatever that means!). We go to the park, we go swimming, we have movie nights, we eat pizza on our laps, we clean our bedrooms, we visit family, we go on holidays… everything you’d expect.

What have been the best and hardest bits of adoption for you?

The best part of adoption, personally, has been all the love that has been heaped on me. From hugs and kisses, to little comments like, “I like my family like this,” and “I love you… and dad. And the dog. And my brother.” We share stories over the dinner table – mine are the funniest – and we have created our own little family culture, with little words and phrases that make us all laugh. Obviously, the stories have to wait until the youngest has finished showing us how he can count to 10 in Spanish, or name all the dwarf planets! I have a distinct memory from our early days of just being sat upon by the boys and the dog, and feeling an intense sense of contentment.

The hardest bit, predictably, has been when the boys are suffering from their trauma. It comes out in so many different ways: anger, sadness, withdrawal, even feeling a bit ‘hyper.’ Just having to watch as they struggle with demons that weren’t of their own making is heartbreaking, and I do cry for them sometimes. On the plus side, now that we are nearly 2 years as a family, I have seen those demons shrink considerably; we were so lucky to have had CCS in our corner, though all of it. They found us a therapist who has helped the boys to work through their trauma, as well as taught us what to say and do to help. She and CCS have been outstanding and are a large part of why our family is so cohesive and stable today.

What has been your friends’ and family’s involvement in your adoption journey?

CCS offered training and advice to our family and friends, so we made them all attend that(!), and it really opened their eyes to what is going on in our home behind closed doors, but also how our children are not as ‘typical’ as they may present themselves. It gave them a great understanding of the process and the likely support they could give. We had dinners delivered for the first few weeks – left on the doorstep as they knew they couldn’t come into the house just yet – text messages offering sensible advice, messages of support and suggestions of places to take the boys to that they would love. We even got a parcel from halfway around the world that read, “From your friends in Canada”. That was something that made them feel part of our wider family, they felt so special – the chocolate helped too!

What advice would you give to anyone thinking about adopting?

This is difficult because my initial response is, ‘Do it!’ because of how enriching an experience it is. The love, laughter, fun, new experiences, hugs & kisses – all of that. The new friends we have made are a huge bonus. Our lives have been irrevocably changed for the better; I highly recommend this journey to everyone. Even the initial stages of preparation felt like some kind of therapy; it was refreshing.

That said, this is not something to be entered into lightly. If you are a couple, you must both be on board with the idea and committed to the process; anything less is a waste of time. You need to be prepared to deal with a child’s trauma, however it presents, and that is really hard. For us, the payoff (the good times) outweighs anything else by 10 to one, easily. But it’s not a walk in the park (well, it is, but I hope you understand what I mean!) Explore what adoption means to you and what it might look like. Have honest conversations and accept that your life will change. Mine has, and there’s no going back – but I wouldn’t want to anyway!

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