A solo adopter of a 2-year-old child with additional needs.

What brought you to adoption, and can you remember when you decided to adopt?

I officially decided to adopt in October 2018. In my mind, even as a teenager, I knew adoption would always form part of how I built a family, but I imagined adopting after having birth children in a marriage first. As time crept on and I remained single, the desire to become a parent got stronger and stronger, and the idea of becoming a solo adopter formed in my mind. This coincided with me rediscovering my Christian faith and feeling called into adoption.

Why did you choose CCS adoption?

At the time of expressing my interest in adoption, my local authority was in the process of merging with other local authorities into Adoption West, so their response to my enquiry took a long time. Within minutes of ringing CCS to make an enquiry, I’d been made to feel totally comfortable by the team members I spoke to and been invited to attend an information evening. Just the welcome I received from the very outset and the fact that so many of the adoption advisors had first-hand experience as adoptive parents meant I knew I’d made the right choice.

How did you find the assessment process and training?

The assessment process in general was really intense; lots of evenings filling in questionnaires and paperwork ahead of social worker meetings. I was lucky to be paired with the same social worker in both stage 1 and 2, and by the end, I’d say she knew me better than friends I’d had for years and years. I personally found all the training sessions really interesting, if not emotionally tiring. The best bit of each session was, without doubt, hearing from other adoptive parents about their firsthand experience. The trainers prepared really good sessions, discussions and practical tasks to help us understand the experiences our future adoptive children may have had, and how that requires a therapeutic parenting approach.

Can you remember hearing about and then meeting your child for the first time?

I remember one day in January, my social worker messaging me saying, “I think I’ve found a (child’s) profile that might be a good match. I’ve already asked for more information on your behalf”. Logging into LinkMaker (the online website that shares children’s profiles with approved adopters) and clicking on the profile, I remember seeing the first photo of her mid swing, a look of total joy on her face with arms and legs thrown wide with excitement. We had a chemistry meeting a few months later in May, when I travelled to a playpark near her foster parents’ flat. It’s a memory that will be permanently engraved in my mind. They were already in the park when I arrived, and my daughter clipped into her buggy. I gave them both a wave and walked up slowly, and my daughter was just beyond excited, her little legs and feet kicking like mad and the biggest little grin on her face.

Can you tell us a bit about your child?

My daughter was placed with me in the summer of 2021 at the age of 2 after being in care since birth. She has a global developmental delay caused by a very rare genetic variant, which we only discovered recently. 4 years into placement, and my daughter is now 6. She is a fiercely independent and empathetic little girl who manages to wrap everyone she meets around her little finger. She is courageous, caring and downright cheeky. As she’s gotten older, her needs have become more complex, but she is more resilient than most adults and doesn’t let any of her difficulties hold her back.

Has there been anything that has surprised you?

I think the thing that keeps surprising me over and over about adoption is the power of perception. People you meet see what they want to see and will come up with their own explanations for it – I’m told on a regular basis, “Ooh, doesn’t your daughter look like you!” by total strangers. Equally though, outdated perceptions of care-experienced children being “difficult” means that when she is having a bad day and potentially losing it in public, you can still feel judged or pitied.

Does your child have contact with their birth family, and what impact does it have on them?

We still do letterbox contact with birth parents twice a year. Both birth mother and birth father get their own copies of the letter. They don’t tend to write back, but birth mum tries to send a birthday card or small gift around her birthday, which I always check first and tend to delay until a few weeks later to stop her getting overwhelmed. She’s still too young at the moment to really understand the idea of contact, but has started asking to include certain things in the letters I write about her most recent achievements and trips we’ve done together. What I think is special, though, is our continued contact with her foster carer, with whom I’m in regular contact via WhatsApp, and we see at least twice a year.

What is family life like now?

My daughter has made massive leaps in her development, particularly with her gross motor skills, but will remain needing support with fine motor skills for a while to come. Her school have submitted an application for an EHCP (Educational Health Care Plan), which we are hopeful will be accepted, so she gets 1:1 support. Daily life is busy in our own little way. Very much like other families with young children, we spend our weekdays after school toing and froing from clubs like swimming, gymnastics and Rainbows. Since placement, we have moved house to be closer to my parents, as they are a massive source of support for us. We now have a lovely garden which Ellie loves and will happily spend hours playing in, digging the soil for vegetables or bouncing on the trampoline.

What have been the best and hardest bits of adoption for you?

The best bits are absolutely those special “firsts” together, both the big and the small, like your first holiday as a family, or the first time she called me “mummy”. But I think for me the absolute best bit is seeing the change and growth in your child, for me the transformation from a toddler who wasn’t walking, wasn’t expected to develop good speech, manage a mainstream school and have high levels of care need, to a little girl who has absolutely defied all the odds stacked against her and brings joy to everyone she meets. The hardest part has started now that she is older and has started asking questions about her birth parents, particularly the first time she asked, “Why don’t I have a daddy?”, especially when it catches you off guard.

What has your friends’ and families’ involvement in your adoption journey been?

My family were really involved in the whole process; my parents and sister read the books and watched the films and TV programs that I watched about trauma, so they could be prepared. My parents also attended the family and friends’ training session during stage 2, which they found really insightful. They have always been my main support from the beginning. My friends have been incredibly supportive throughout, helping me advocate for my daughter when needed or just being a listening ear during the tougher times, and some of them have even gone on to consider and go through the adoption process themselves.

What advice would you give to anyone thinking about adopting?

I think the best advice I can give to people considering adoption is to prepare for a long journey; it doesn’t end after you get approved. Waiting for a match with a child and getting through transition (when the child moves from their foster home to their adoptive home) is like a whole other stage to the process. I would also speak to as many people who have already adopted as possible, as they give the best hints and tips! And try and keep those connections after placement, they’ll be an incredible source of support and make you feel less alone on the journey.

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