Carla tells her story of being adopted and meeting her birth mother:

“I was taken away from my birth parents at the age of three and placed into foster care, and I remained in care for just over two years before being adopted at the age of six. Given that I had clear memories of my birth family, it was important that I was able to talk openly with my adoptive parents about the reasons why I was taken into care. As I got older, the explanations remained the same, although the answers became more detailed to the many questions I had.

At eighteen, I decided I wanted to see my file

I also received my later-in-life letter. Even though I had a good understanding of why I’d been adopted, I still wanted to read the file. I went to the CCS office and sat with a social worker as I went through the documents. It was important to me to have support and to be able to discuss any thoughts or feelings that came up.

Emotionally, it was still hard to read, even though I knew what and why things had happened. Reading about your own childhood trauma in a large document that had been presented in court still felt strange. The language was formal and complex — it looked like an enormous extract from one of my school psychology textbooks! Seeing something so personal, written dispassionately, made me feel uncomfortable at times, even days after reading it. However, I don’t regret going through the document as it did increase my understanding. It also made me realise how much I had overcome and achieved. I remember thinking, ‘damn, I’ve been through a lot — I should be proud of that’, and I was.

The support from my parents throughout this was remarkable

They were with me every step of the way, and if I wanted to talk about anything, I always knew it was a safe space. When I was younger, I asked my parents if, when I was older, if I wanted to meet my birth mum, would they come with me? Without hesitation, they said ‘of course’ — it would be my decision, and of course they would help and support me through that.

Another person who was supportive was my half-brother. We lived together before I went into care. I had contact with him whilst growing up, and he was also in contact with one of my birth parents.  An example of his help occurred when I was eighteen. I received a message on Facebook from someone I didn’t know. It wasn’t malicious — but simply said that if I ever wanted to talk, they were there. I messaged my brother to see if he knew who the person was. He knew it was someone from my birth family, although I didn’t know them. My brother then let people know that this wasn’t appropriate, and if I wanted to make contact, I would do so when I was ready. I was grateful for his help and that he respected my decision.

Not long after my eighteenth, my brother contacted me to say our birth mother was unwell and may not live.  He was upset, and I panicked, feeling I should see her now, in case she passed away. My mum and I got in the car and started driving to see her. I felt conflicted — I didn’t feel ready for that meeting but equally felt I should see her in case she died. We decided to call CCS whilst in the car to see if anyone was available to offer support, given how sudden and unusual the situation was. I was able to speak to a social worker, who was incredibly helpful and reminded me that I should not feel obliged or pressured to do anything if I wasn’t ready. I decided not to see her at that time and instead wait to see how her health situation progressed. Which it did, as she got better.

When I turned twenty-one, I felt it was the right time to meet my birth mum

There were opportunities to meet her before this time, as I was in contact with my birth sibling, but I didn’t feel ready, and my brother was respectful of that.  I wrote to her through CCS asking to meet. Although it was my choice, I still felt nervous and unsure about doing this. I asked for it to take place in an office setting with my parents and social worker attending. My birth mum brought her partner and a support worker — something I had suggested in my letter, as I wanted her to feel supported too.

I went into the meeting with an open mind and without expectations. The last time I had seen her, I was too young to understand that it would be the final visit before being adopted. Re-meeting her was emotional and strange, as I realised we were very different people. Part of me had hoped for some kind of apology, but I soon saw this was unlikely to occur. In an unexpected way, that took away any pressure I might have felt to maintain ongoing contact.

I had thought carefully about my boundaries before the meeting, as throughout the process, I wanted things to be as well-controlled as possible. We agreed to have contact afterwards through letters, as that was how I had initially reached out to her. I knew that giving her my phone number or social media contacts would not have felt right for me. We exchanged a few letters, but over time they fizzled out. I didn’t feel the need to continue replying, as the meeting had given me the closure I was looking for. I’m glad we met when we did, as she passed away a few years later.

A few things I’ve learned from this experience:

• It’s important not to be obliged or pressurised into anything that you’re uncomfortable with.
• Do everything at your pace and only when you are ready.
• Get as much support as you can — talk things through with people you trust and use the support available through CCS.
• Think carefully about your boundaries, go in with an open mind, and try not to have too many expectations. Make sure it happens on your terms.

I know some of these things are easier said than done, and it’s only natural as a person who has been adopted to want answers, even though the person you are talking to may not have rational answers to your questions. Accessing records and meeting a birth parent are big decisions with a lot to consider. I found it important to take time to carefully think through what I was doing and why I was doing it before I acted.”

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